Roles we play

I wish I had started this blog a long time ago because it would have been so helpful to look back on. Oh well. I do find it important to make a statement about my intent with this blog. I do not intend for this to be a spot to slander and attack my previous partner. It is simply a place for me to share my feelings and thoughts of what has happened and what I am doing to overcome the past. Most of all, to hold myself accountable. I now understand what role I played in my relationship and how I relinquished self control many times in unhealthy ways. That is not to say I did not feel I was under immense psychological warfare and felt I had depleted all rational forms of communication. Over time, I felt myself transitioning from my normal emotional self to a eroded skeleton of emotion. A person who was very reactionary. I liken the situation to a caged animal that had been poked with a sharp stick one too many times, lashing out at their attacker with equal furiosity in a desperate and pathethic attempt to make the attacks stop. I felt I was going crazy. I did not trust my own thoughts. The only thoughts I believed were the ones he would tell me. He would tell me how I felt, thought, acted and I beleived it. I allowed this to happen and noone else. I played a role in perpetuating the relationship and made poor choices many times. My worst choice was my own personal abuse of myself. I chose to listen to everyone and everything else instead of listening to me. I did not trust myself. I did not respect myself. I did not belong in a relationship with anyone given these personal issues. One day on Dr. Irene's website I came across a section on personal responsibility. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I read the article over and over. I started to realize what role I had been playing. I started to finally understand what role I had been playing with myself my entire life. I had been denial for a long time but I was finally beginning to wake up.


"Life is comprised of the myriad of minute interpersonal interactions that occur throughout the day, not the major decisions we make from time to time. Yet, we thoughtfully agonize over major decisions, but give virtually no thought to the second-by-second exchanges. They are left to "automatic pilot," and are executed without logic, choice or consideration of personal responsibility."

Links I HIGHLY recommend

There are several websites that have been pivotal in helping me recognize emotional abuse, provided coping tools, and ultimately gave me the strength to get out of the abusive relationship. I have played musical therapist for years and none of these gave me the insight that these websites did. Unfortunantly, there are not many therapists trained to recognize emotional/verbal abuse.

My favorite site is Dr Irene's. At one point, I visited her site daily and have read almost every post. This site is where I started to understand personal responsibilty and this helped me become "self aware" of what role I was playing in my relationship. A MUST read. http://www.drirene.com/

This website has a great post on emotional abuse. It describes it very well and does so with humor.
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

Another good one:
http://www.joy2meu.com/emotional_abuse.html

Welcome

Greetings. Welcome to my blog on surviving abuse. My goal with this blog is to share with others information that has been life-saving to me in my journey to escape and heal from my abusive relationships. I also needed a place to share my thoughts "outloud" and hold myself accountable so that I can continue to make steps towards FINDING PEACE. If this resonates in anyway with you..PLEASE share your thoughts, pain, links, or anything that will help you or others find peace as well. Hugs.

Love

L