Roles we play

I wish I had started this blog a long time ago because it would have been so helpful to look back on. Oh well. I do find it important to make a statement about my intent with this blog. I do not intend for this to be a spot to slander and attack my previous partner. It is simply a place for me to share my feelings and thoughts of what has happened and what I am doing to overcome the past. Most of all, to hold myself accountable. I now understand what role I played in my relationship and how I relinquished self control many times in unhealthy ways. That is not to say I did not feel I was under immense psychological warfare and felt I had depleted all rational forms of communication. Over time, I felt myself transitioning from my normal emotional self to a eroded skeleton of emotion. A person who was very reactionary. I liken the situation to a caged animal that had been poked with a sharp stick one too many times, lashing out at their attacker with equal furiosity in a desperate and pathethic attempt to make the attacks stop. I felt I was going crazy. I did not trust my own thoughts. The only thoughts I believed were the ones he would tell me. He would tell me how I felt, thought, acted and I beleived it. I allowed this to happen and noone else. I played a role in perpetuating the relationship and made poor choices many times. My worst choice was my own personal abuse of myself. I chose to listen to everyone and everything else instead of listening to me. I did not trust myself. I did not respect myself. I did not belong in a relationship with anyone given these personal issues. One day on Dr. Irene's website I came across a section on personal responsibility. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I read the article over and over. I started to realize what role I had been playing. I started to finally understand what role I had been playing with myself my entire life. I had been denial for a long time but I was finally beginning to wake up.


"Life is comprised of the myriad of minute interpersonal interactions that occur throughout the day, not the major decisions we make from time to time. Yet, we thoughtfully agonize over major decisions, but give virtually no thought to the second-by-second exchanges. They are left to "automatic pilot," and are executed without logic, choice or consideration of personal responsibility."